I dunno. Boca Raton, I think. Anyway.
Yes, the Marauders won the title for the first time since I've been part of this league (which goes all the way back to
last Tuesday 2007), and as you might imagine, Merrill's pretty pumped about it. So pumped, in fact, that he has specifically requested 'a nice long write up to the league on the Marauder's championship run back to the TTFFL mountaintop'.
A 'nice long write up', you say? I think I can manage that! Let's give this a shot ---
Week 1: It was a cold, snowy September morning. The Marauders' spirits were low, but their hopes were high, as they went in to wherever Pete lives --- Orion River, I suppose --- to take on Pete and his
horses hippos. Led by the surprising Dak Prescott, the hippos put up a formidable 82.9 points, which would ordinarily be enough to crush most TTFFL opponents, but not these Marauders. With no standout performances by any one player, the Marauders instead brought out above-average play in pretty much their whole lineup to tally an impressive 105.8 points, beating not just Pete, but all other teams in the league as well.
I mean, except for Jody, who won the week with 116.2 points.
Week 2: It was a warm, sunny September morning. The Marauders' spirits were low, and their point total was even lower, as Merrill made the questionable decision to start Baker Mayfield over Russell Wilson. Is this the kind of decision-making you really want to have chronicled in sickening detail?!?
Well, whatever! The mighty Marauders prevailed despite scoring only a puny 55.5 points, because Atom only managed an even punier 51.9 points, thanks mainly to underwhelming performances by Jared Cook (1.3 points), Alvin Kamara (3 points) and Ben Roethlisberger (1.5 points). The Marauders were 2-0 and on a roll!
Week 3: It was a mild, windy September morning. The Marauders were hosting their first home game of the season at wherever Merrill lives --- Albuquerque, maybe. Once again, they faced a high-scoring opponent in Team Harbaughs (Mahomes! Cook! Hooper!), and once again, they vanquished that opponent with even mightier firepower (Wilson! McCaffrey! Kupp! Hardman!). They outscored everyone in the league, including the Ninjas, who had the second-highest score! The Marauders were quickly demonstrating to the rest of the league that they were not to be trifled with!
Week 4: It was a wet, blustery September morning. The Maruders went on the road again, at wherever Matt lives --- I actually know this one! It's in Burnsville; I've been there! I won 5 straight games of 9-ball against him!
Well anyway. This week, they faced a laughably overmatched AirMatt team. I mean, seriously. EVERY OTHER TEAM IN THE LEAGUE outscored AirMatt by at least 10 points. Adam Thielen and Odell Beckham scored 1.3 points COMBINED! It was truly an embarrassing performance by AirMatt. So embarrassing, in fact, that the Marauders came close to TRIPLING his score, and this was even with Mecole Hardman scoring NEGATIVE 1.6 points.
The Marauders won ANOTHER week, and were a commanding 4-0.
Week 5: It was a warm, snowy October morning. The Marauders' spirits were high, but their blood sugar was low as they went into wherever it is Taylor lives --- let's call it Tuscaloosa --- for a slugfest against the mighty Air Apparent.
(BTW, what is the deal with the Marauders playing 4 of their first 5 games on the road? It's almost like the guy who makes up the schedule doesn't even pay attention to home versus road games)
Air Apparent would be nipping at the Marauders' heels all season, and this game was just one example of it. Both teams put up epic point totals --- Russell Wilson scored 31 points for the Marauders, a point total matched by Matt Ryan for Air Apparent. Christian McCaffrey scored 29.9 points for Merrill --- BAM! But Aaron Jones scored 33.1 for Taylor --- COUNTERBAM! And all of the other players who started that day scored points as well!
But of course, when the dust settled, the Marauders once again claimed victory, and their THIRD CONSECUTIVE weekly win.
Week 6: It was a hot, greasy October morning. The Marauders were once again back in the comfy confines of wherever it is Merrill lives (I want to say La Jolla). And there was more on the line this week than just a win or loss --- this week, the mighty 5-0 Marauders faced the even mightier 5-0 Psychotic Ninjas in a battle for league dominance!
Which the Marauders won by a convincing 24-point margin. So much for the dominance of the Psychotic Ninjas, who essentially disappeared for the next 6 weeks (but we'll hear more about them later).
Week 7: Tragedy struck. On a freezing cold, yet somehow still warm October morning, the Marauders tasted defeat for the first time, as they hosted the Leviathans. Despite the best efforts of Ezekiel Elliot (13.4), Josh Lambo (13), Russell Wilson (10.2) and T.Y. Hilton (9.7), the rest of the Marauders team was crap that day, and they fell to a Leviathans team led by Jared Goff (23.5), Ka'imi Fairbairn (12), Tyreek Hill (9.7) and Eric Ebron (9.5). The rest of the Leviathans didn't play any better than the rest of the Marauders, but the damage was done. The 13-point advantage Goff gave the Leviathans at the QB position told the tale, and for the first time this season Merrill's Marauders, the scourge of the TTFFL, were defeated.
Sorry, guys. I just love this image, and I didn't get a chance to use it this season.
Week 8: On a dry, snowy October morning before Halloween, the Marauders hosted a hapless Los Diablos team. So hapless, in fact, that the Marauders' top three performers --- Russell Wilson, Christian McCaffrey and Darren Fells --- were almost able to defeat Los Diablos single-handedly. In the entire history of the TTFFL, rarely have we ever seen a team so devoid of hap.
The Marauders recovered from their week 7 loss, and appeared to be back to their dominant ways.
Week 9: November broke with a tasty, vanilla-flavored morning, as the Marauders continued their run of 100+-point performances, this time crushing Kevin and his Golden Grahams into dust. And while the Grahams had a bit more hap than the previous week's Los Diablos, the Marauders were so dominant that just their top two players --- Russell Wilson, with a stunning 40.6 points, and Christian McCaffrey with a much-less-impressive-but-still-respectable 26.3 --- combined to outscore the whole Golden Graham's team.
The Marauders rang up their fourth weekly win, and seemed unstoppable!
Week 10: In the final game of their 5-game home stand at historic Wherever-Merrill-Lives Stadium (located in scenic downtown Tulsa), the Marauders easily disposed of the puny and insignificant Craptastics. But the 70.6 - 57.1 final score was mundane, and the Marauders were not as dominating as they had been in previous weeks.
The Marauders were 9-1, but there were clouds on the horizon ---
Week 11: DISASTER!!! On a hot, muggy, sulphur-laden morning in November, the Marauders hit the absolute low point of their season. With Russell Wilson on bye and Kyle Allen stinking up the joint, the Marauders tallied their lowest point total of the season (46.1) to go down to defeat against the lowly Strike Team, wherever it is that Aaron lives (what the hell: Port Au Prince). As bad as it was losing to Aaron, that was nothing compared with ---
Week 12: The Marauders slide continued, as they dropped their rematch against Suspended Atomnation by an agonizingly close 61.8 - 60.6 tally. But the bleeding didn't stop yet, because ---
Week 13: On a freezing cold December morning, with rocks and garbage falling from the sky, the Marauders visited Orion River for the second time this season (the schedule maker was most likely drunk), to avenge their earlier victory over the hippos. And avenge it they did, in spectacular fashion, losing to the River Horses by a measly 0.5 points to conclude their regular season on a 3-game losing streak.
Week 14: On a calm, sunny and surprisingly warm December morning, the Marauders played no one at all, because their early-season dominance earned them a first-round bye, despite the fact that they spent the final three weeks of the regular season playing like turds with feet. They mostly spent the week sitting around the pool sipping margaritas, taking the occasional break to go dangle their toes in the waves. All in all, the Marauders thought --- life isn't bad.
Week 15: On a starkly violent, wind-tossed and rain-streaked day, filled with broken promises and shattered dreams and stinking of pig vomit, the Marauders won their semifinal-round playoff game, led by the efforts of stupid Ezekiel Elliott and even stupider Christian McCaffrey. All in all, the whole Marauders team was stupid and bad and didn't deserve to win their playoff game half as much as their kind and noble opponent, the Psychotic Ninjas, who never did anything to hurt anybody and deserved the victory much more and yes they did and nahnahnahnahnah I can't hear you and you're stupid and shut up.
AND FINALLY ---
Week 16: On a crisp, clear, cold but still really quite pleasant Christmas Eve Eve, stuffed with a wild rice, garlic and mushroom stuffing and served with seasoned Italian sausage and garnished with rosemary, thyme and shallots, coated with a lemon garlic butter and served with a side of freshly-picked asparagus, the Marauders finally claimed the title over the scrappy but overmatched Air Apparent. The championship teams were really quite evenly matched, but the difference in the game was the ridiculous TWENTY-THREE points scored by the Colts' defense for the Marauders. And most of THAT total came from the ridiculous TWO punt return touchdowns by Nyheim Hines, a player who wasn't even on the Marauders' roster --- which, let's face it, is enough to make you want to tear your hair out.
And with that, the Marauders claimed their first TTFFL title since --- what, 1999? 1972? I don't know, someone will have to tell me. That was before my time.
Anyway, congratulations to the Marauders! Merry Christmas to all! I will be posting usual end-of-year accounting stuff soon!
(Did you notice that I went through that entire review, and NOT ONCE did I mention that if the Psychotic Ninjas had reversed their scores in weeks 15 and 16, THEY would be the champs, and not Merrill?
I thought it was pretty damn classy of me not to call attention to that fact. If you had to pick just one word to describe me, I'm pretty sure it would be 'class').
