Accounting

No blather today, just a breakdown of 2013 accounting.  First, a listing of who gets money for weekly wins:

Screaming Eagles: Weeks 1, 3, 7, 16
Rock-n-it Datarocknators: Week 2 (split with Golden Graham's)
Golden Graham's: Week 2 (split with Rock-n-it Datarocknators), week 11
Suspended Atomnation: Weeks 4, 5, 8, 15
Leviathans: Week 6
Air Apparent: Weeks 9, 10
Psychotic Ninjas: Weeks 12, 13, 14

Next, the payouts for the top finishers:

League Champion: Psychotic Ninjas, $300
2nd Place: Suspended Atomnation, $120
3rd Place: Screaming Eagles, $60

So total payouts are:

Psychotic Ninjas: $300 + $45 = $345
Suspended Atomnation: $120 + $60 = $180
Screaming Eagles: $60 + $60 = $120
Air Apparent: $30
Golden Grahams: $22.50
Leviathans: $15
Rock-n-it Datarocknators: $7.50
Little Choo Choo, Los Diablos, Merrill's Marauders, Orion River Horses, Strike Team: Not a damn thing.

If anyone sees an error in this accounting, speak up.  Also, I'm going to assume that everyone who won something wants their winnings applied to 2014 season dues.  If this is incorrect, please provide a mailing address so I can send you a check.

Also Adam and Jason, since your winnings exceed the amount of league dues, I'll need to send you a check for the extra amount, if not the whole thing (Jason, if you want to apply your extra $60 to Battlin' Sweethearts dues for 2014, I can hold the extra $10 for you if you want).

Ninja!!!

The Ninjas resume their rightful place at the top of the TTFFL

Well, it's certainly taken long enough, but the Ninjas finally got it right, claiming their fourth TTFFL title in seven years, after a convincing 77-64 victory over Suspended Atomnation in the championship game.  It looked like the Ninjas might be in trouble in the early going, as Adam once held a 24-17 lead and still had 7 players remaining against the Ninjas' 5.  But of course in the end, might and right prevailed.

I think I finally have it figured out, guys, and all of you should be scared.  Clearly the pattern here is that my league titles run on a three-years-on, three-years-off schedule.  So get ready, everyone.  No one else is going to get another serious shot at the title until 2016.

I do want to thank Adam for taking Jason out in the semifinals, otherwise the result this year would have been much different.  Sorry for that, Taylor.  This is without a doubt your finest close-but-no-cigar moment.  But hey, at least you get the ninth pick in the draft next year!

Speaking of drafting and such, poor Jody is going to get stuck with another loser name an avatar next year.  I wonder what it will be?  Kevin, I'm open to suggestions.

And as long as we're discussing the loser's bracket, I have to ask: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO PETE!?!  I mean, it's one thing to lose --- or even to put up a low point total for a given week.  But if you take away the seven points tallied by Kirk Cousins against the Cowboys defense --- arguably the worst defense in the league --- Pete only got FIVE points this weekend.

I don't know whether his 12-point total is a record for fewest points scored in a week, but it has to be close.  The scary part is, I'm pretty sure Pete actually tried to field a competitive team (except for playing Wes Welker, who was out with a concussion).  Taylor?  Anyone?  Does anyone know whether Pete managed to set a new standard for pathetic?

Anyway, I will be posting the usual end-of-year nonsense when I'm good and ready.  Until then, I want to wish everyone happy holidays and a Happy New Year.  In particular, I want leave my title-game opponent Adam with this heartfelt Christmas-themed message:

Championship Week Update

FINALLY!!

It took way too long --- four years, to be precise --- but the Ninjas are finally back in the finals, where they belong.

Taylor has been talking up my team for weeks, in what I'm convinced is an effort to double-reverse-jinx me.  Obviously it didn't work last week, though in the early going it sure looked like it would work.  And at the risk of angering the fantasy gods during championship week, I have to agree that Taylor is right.  Looking at my lineup for this week, I noticed something I've never noticed before:

All of my starters are top 10 at their position for the season.  Hell, five of them are in the top five.  If I DON'T win this championship (and I may well not --- Jamaal Charles may score another dozen or so touchdowns for Adam), then I deserve to be ridiculed mercilessly.

Taylor will play the mighty Screaming Eagles, led by Peyton Manning, for third place.  Kevin may actually claim the #1 draft pick next year if he can win his matchup with Nick --- so probably he'll have to settle for drafting second.  Merrill squares off against Levi for the #3 pick, and somehow Kubicek managed to avoid last place.  He will wage a final battle of Oakland University with his colleague Pete to determine who gets the #5 pick.

I really am disappointed that Kubicek won't finish last, especially since I have a shot at the title.  I was planning to name his team The Dozing Turkeys next year to commemorate his draft fiasco.  Ah well.

Instead, Adam or I will get to assign a name to Aaron's team or Jody's, as they battle for the #7 pick in next year's draft.  In an interesting ironic twist, Jody will have the chance to exact some measure of revenge on Aaron who, as last year's champion, saddled Jody with the Little Choo Choo moniker.

Good luck next week, Adam!  Y'all had better hope Adam beats me this week, because you know I win titles in bunches!  If he lets me get started, it might be 2016 before someone else gets a shot!

Yes, There Will be Gloating

YEAH, BABY!!!  THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!!!

My season started with Jason absolutely spanking me in week 1, when Peyton Manning had his historic 7-touchdown performance and I lost 112-76.

13 weeks later, I repaid the favor when I beat Jason 96-88, despite Peyton having another strong game.  And along the way, I finally caught up with and passed Jason to grab the #1 playoff seed AND the lead in overall points scored.

I think we all remember how well that worked out for me last year.

Jason, obviously, goes into the playoffs as the #2 seed, and with Peyton on his team, he's going to be dangerous any week.  So do me a favor and knock him off for me this week, will you Adam?

For his part, Adam made the final week of the regular season more interesting than it needed to be by letting Los Diablos hang around for a while before getting the win.  Since Taylor fell to the Rock-n-it Datarocknators, Adam needed that win in order grab a playoff spot.  And since Taylor did lose, the playoff spot Adam got was the #3.

Taylor has already written to inform me that he's not excited about having to face me in the first round of the playoffs, and I've assured him that the feeling is mutual.  Sure, my team has performed well lately, and I have the #1 seed, but as I've said many times this season, success doesn't last long in this league.

At least the playoff matchups should be interesting.

I won't discuss much about the consolation brackets at this point, other than to make the following observation.  In the BOTTOM bracket, we have 2010 TTFFL champion Jody (Little Choo Choo), the 2011 TTFFL champion Pete (Orion River Horses), 2012 TTFFL champion Aaron (Strike Team) and 2013 TTFFL screwup Kubicek (Los Diablos) all struggling to avoid last place.  So Jason, Adam and Taylor, maybe you guys don't *want* to win the title, because it seems that winning the title just guarantees future mediocrity.

Or maybe you guys just want to bench all your starters and let ME win the title, thus guaranteeing MY future mediocrity?  Just a suggestion.

(P. S. This really has been an amazing year of fantasy football for me personally, and not just in TTFFL.  If for some reason you're interested in reading more of my gloating, look here).

This One's for Me

Sorry to do this to you, guys, but this is just too good.  I'm nearing the end of what is already a historic fantasy season --- obviously, it has potential to get even better --- and I want to record it for posterity.  And since you guys are my first league, I'm posting it here.

It's not like most of you read my ramblings, anyway.

The short version is: I'm competing in four leagues this year, and after 14 weeks I'm leading ALL of them in total points scored:

TTFFL:

Prism United:

12 Angry Men:

Battlin' Sweethearts:

Okay, um, I don't have a screen shot of this one, because Battlin' Sweethearts plays a 13-week regular season, ESPN stops tracking total points scored at the end of the regular season, and my point total didn't surpass Merrill's until week 14.  But I really am ahead now, by a margin of 1854 to 1829.

I'm also in the playoffs in all four leagues, which isn't surprising until you consider that there isn't always a strong correlation between scoring lots of points and playoff berths (*cough* Taylor *cough*).  I nabbed the #1 seed in both TTFFL and Battlin' Sweethearts, but in the other two leagues I just barely made it in by the skin of my teeth.  In fact, I didn't even manage to win more games than I lost in either league.

In both Prism United and 12 Angry Men, I lost my first four games right out of the gate.  This is particularly surprising considering that both of these teams are anchored by LeSean McCoy and Jimmy Graham.

In Prism United, I started 0-4 and was 2-6 after eight games.  I then finished out the season winning 5 of my final 6 games, including the last four straight.  Even then, I needed two other teams to lose in week 14 AND score enough points to become the league's top scorer in order to grab the #4 seed with a 7-7 record.

12 Angry Men was even more bizarre.  Apart from a 3-game winning streak after my 0-4 start, I didn't manage back-to-back victories all year.  The season ended on a fitting note in week 14, when I scored the second most points while of course playing the high-point scorer for the week.  Final score: 190.70 to 171.85 (150 points will win a game in that league 95% of the time).

I finished 6-8, and I only grabbed the #4 seed in that league due to its playoff structure.  It has three 4-team divisions.  Each division winner goes to the playoffs, as well as one 'wild-card' team --- the highest-scoring non-playoff team.  As the league scoring leader, I made it in.  I'll be playing the #2 scorer in the first round of the playoffs and if I win that matchup, I have to face one of the other division winners --- two guys who finished 10th and 11th in total points scored, 236 and 277 points behind me, respectively.

It would, of course, be awesome (though extremely unlikely) for me to pull off the sweep and claim all four titles.  But since that probably won't happen, I'm just going to spend the next week savoring how I managed to get this far.

Week 14 Playoff Scenarios

Up a bit later than I'd like, but what can I say.  I'm a busy guy.  And besides, Minnesota got its first snowstorm of the winter yesterday.  Anyway.

As you may recall, all four of the leading teams in the league had the opportunity to clinch a playoff spot last week if Nick lost to Kevin, and Nick was more than happy to oblige.  As a result, the Screaming Eagles, Psychotic Ninjas and Air Apparent have locked up three of the four playoff spots, while Suspended Atomnation, Golden Grahams, Rock-n-it Datarocknators and, to a much lesser extent Leviathans, are all competing for the final spot.  Here's how all of them can get in.

For Suspended Atomnation, the path to the playoffs is straightforward: just beat Los Diablos this week.  You wouldn't think that would be too difficult to manage --- many have done it this season --- but Los Diablos are actually riding a two-game winning streak, including putting up 82 points against Pete last week.  So this game isn't the gimme it used to be.

Adam also gets in with a loss if Nick and Kevin both lose also.

Golden Graham's gets into the playoffs with a win and an Atomnation loss (I'm assuming Nick doesn't outscore Kevin by 66 points).

Rock-n-it Datarocknators gets into the playoffs with a win and losses by Atomnation and Golden Graham's --- or with a win, a loss by Atomnation, and outscoring Kevin by 66 points or more.

Finally, for the sake of completeness, Leviathans will clinch a playoff spot with a win, losses by Atomnation, Golden Graham's, Datarocknators, and Leviathans outscores Atomnation by 68 points or more.

Remember that no matter the final regular-season standings, everyone still has something to play for.  In addition to the $15 weekly prize, teams seeded #5 through #8 are battling for the first draft pick next year, while teams #9 through #12 are battling to avoid an embarrassing team name and avatar next year --- like Little Choo-Choo (*snicker*).

So go out there and GET 'EM!!!

Simplified Week 13 Playoff Scenarios

Okay, with less blather:

Screaming Eagles and Air Apparent clinch a playoff spot this weekend with a win OR a loss by the Rock-n-it Datarocknators.

Atomnation and Psychotic Ninjas clinch a playoff spot this weekend with a win AND a loss by the Rock-n-it Datarocknators.

Rock-n-it Datarocknators can't clinch a playoff spot this weekend.  In order to make the playoffs, Nick needs to win one more game the rest of the season than Atomnation or Ninjas --- OR win two more games the rest of the season than Eagles or Air Apparent.

Golden Graham's can't clinch a playoff spot this weekend.  In order to make the playoffs, Kevin needs to win one more game the rest of the season than Rock-n-it Datarocknators AND win two more games the rest of the season than Atomnation or Ninjas AND finish with more points than Rock-n-it Datarocknators (Kevin currently leads Nick by 48 points).

Levi can't clinch a playoff spot this weekend.  He needs a freakin' miracle to get a playoff spot.  He needs to win his remaining games against Air Apparent and Golden Grahams AND two losses by two of the following teams: Atomnation, Psychotic Ninjas or Rock-n-it Datarocknators AND a net gain of 84-93 points on the Ninjas or Atomnation, depending on which of those two teams actually loses their final two games.

ALSO . . . I actually did the research, and it turns out that Jason has NOT been in first place for the entire season.  He held onto first place from week 1-5, then dropped into THIRD behind Atomnation and Air Apparent in week 6, and ascended to first place again in week 10.

On the bottom end, Kubicek has done an impressive job of holding onto last place for the entire season.

Also, it turns out I exagerrated my hard luck story.  I have only finished second in scoring for the week four times this season, rather than six as originally claimed.  I apologize for the error.

Week 13 Playoff Scenarios

It's a bit early, but it doesn't seem likely that the second half of the Niners/Redskins game is going to have much impact on the week's results, so . . . .

The league-leading Screaming Eagles OR Air Apparent clinched a playoff spot this week.  At least one of them will definitely get in, even if they both lose their last two games, but at this point, neither one is guaranteed a playoff spot.  Of course, a win for either one in the next two weeks will sew it up, so it's pretty sure they'll make it in.

With their victories this weekend, Adam's 3rd-place Atomnation and the MIGHTY 4TH-PLACE PSYCHOTIC NINJAS didn't clinch playoff spots, either.  They *might* clinch a spot with victories next week over Little Choo Choo (haha!  Little Choo Choo!  Jody's a loser!) and Merrill (haha!  Merrill sucks!) respectively, pending the outcome of next week's absolutely FASCINATING matchup between the Rock-n-it Datarocknators and Kevin.  Read on.

The week 13 matchup between Nick and Kevin is where the rubber really meets the road.  At 7-4-1, Nick keeps his playoff hopes alive with a win (and can even jump up into the top four with losses by Adam and/or yours truly), but his playoff outlook takes a serious blow with a loss.  At 6-5-1, Kevin will drop out of the playoff hunt with a loss, so he needs to beat Nick.  However, a victory over the Datarocknators will only help Kevin if either Adam or I lose.  If Adam and I both win, then a Golden Graham's victory over the Datarocknators will just sew up playoff spots for the two of us.

Finally, Levi still has an outside shot at a playoff berth, but with this week's loss dropping him to 6-6, he needs to finish the season with wins over Taylor and Kevin, and two losses by at least two of the following teams: Atomnation, Ninjas, Datarocknators --- and even then, he's got to make up nearly 100 points on the Ninjas in order to get in on a tiebreaker.

So Levi, it's probably your best move to start planning how you might manage to score the #1 pick again next year.

After that, Aaron, Merrill and Pete join Jody and Kubicek in the "thanks for playing" category.  At the moment, all of those guys except Kubicek have a shot to finish 5th place overall and get the #1 pick next year.  If Kubicek holds on to defeat Jody, then Jody earns a place in the bottom playoff bracket as well.

And finally, I just wanted to point out that after finishing second in overall scoring SIX TIMES in the first 11 weeks of the season, THE MIGHTY NINJAS finally won a week this week!  I'm peaking at just the right time!  Will the Ninjas finally reclaim their rightful position as league champion this year?  Let's hope so.

Admit it, guys.  The league just hasn't been the same without me as your champion, has it?

Week 12 Playoff Scenarios

As we head into the stretch run, let's see how everyone is doing . . . .

Leading the Charge
At the top of the league, there's Jason and Taylor in first and second place, respectively, with matching 8-3 records.  Neither has clinched a playoff spot yet, and they can't clinch this week, but a victory will get them awfully damn close.  As mentioned in my last post, Taylor has decided to win games rather than score points this year (at second place, he's only scored the fifth-most points), and it seems to be serving him well.  Jason meanwhile started off the season with a 112-76 shellacking of yours truly, and has held the lead in total points (and possibly been in first place, again, I'm too lazy to check) ever since.

So, it's almost certain he's going to lose the rest of his games and just barely miss out on the playoffs.

Sitting Pretty
At 7-4, Suspended Atomnation and THE MIGHTY NINJAS sit at 3rd and 4th place, respectively.  Not much to say at this stage of the season, except that, for crying out loud, I lost to Nick in week 10 even though he didn't start a QB or a kicker!!!  What the hell?  Tavon Austin scored more points in week 10 than he did in weeks 1-9 combined, and his return TD counted TWICE because Nick also had the Rams D/ST.  And no one bothered to give me crap about it!  What's wrong with you people?

On the Bubble
Speaking of Nick, he and Levi square off in week 12 with a lot on the line.  The winner stands a good chance of getting to the playoffs, while the loser definitely has an uphill climb the rest of the way.  The remaining bubble teams are Kevin's fifth-place Golden Graham's, facing a tough matchup this week against Taylor, and defending champion Strike Team, facing another tough matchup against THE MIGHTY NINJAS.  At 5-6, a loss this week likely knocks him out of the playoffs --- and it will definitely knock him out if Adam wins his matchup with Pete.

On Life Support
At 4-7, the 9th-place Marauders and the 10th-place River Horses aren't dead yet, but they might as well be.  One more loss knocks either of them out, and even if either of them runs the table, their season is over if Atomnation and the Ninjas win just one more game each.  For these guys, it's probably best to focus their efforts on trying to finish in the middle playoff bracket (seeds 5-8), so they have a shot at the first overall pick next year.

Thanks for Playing
Jody, or as his friends know him, Little Choo-Choo, and Kubicek are both done for the season.  Kubicek's season was done well before it started, actually, when he slept through his alarm and missed the first hour of the draft (that Turkey).  Kubicek's 1-10 record is so bad he's already guaranteed to compete for last place, and at 3-8, Jody doesn't have much hope to avoid the 'toilet bowl' himself.  Adding insult to injury, these guys are playing each other this weekend, so they can't even do any damage to any contenders.

Man, wouldn't it suck if Jody had to give up the Puttheads nickname for two years running?

Hail to Los Diablos!!!

Yes, hail the almighty Diablos, hail.  Congratulations not only on ending your epic 8-game losing streak (besting your 2011 start-of-season losing streak by one game), but on doing it against Jason.  Well done, Paul, well done indeed.

In fact, since I don't have to play you again this season (and since there's no way you're making the playoffs), I'm going to be rooting for you in all the rest of your games.  Sure I'm currently sitting on the 3-seed, but I'll take all the help I can get.

Sorry I haven't provided my usual amount of Commissioner blather this year, but what can I say; I been busy.  So this post will have to be a poor substitute for a belated mid-season status report.  And I'd like to emphasize, if I may, the word 'poor'.

Starting at the bottom of the standings, we have the aforementioned proud Diablos, sitting on a one-game winning streak.  While the autopicker may have screwed Paul but good, it did at least give him some players who might be valuable from this point of the season forward (Shane Vereen, Percy Harvin).  So maybe Los Diablos can still make some noise for the rest of the season, maybe win a week or two, and make life a little easier for league-leaders such as myself.

Moving up one notch --- what is wrong with Jody?  Seriously.  The guy finishes last in the league in 2012, picks up a new team name, and then proceeds to continue the suckiness into 2013.  His roster does read like a who's who of fantasy disappointment: Chris Johnson (or is he back, finally?), Steven Jackson, Steve Smith, Marques Colston, RGIII --- not a good year for Choo Choo.

No need, however, to ask what's wrong with Merrill: he sucks.  We all know this.  And while the autopicker screwed Kubicek at the beginning of the year, Kubicek managed to spread some of the misery to Merill with a clever 2-for-1 trade which sent Arian Foster and his hamstring to the Marauders in exchange for both Buffalo RBs, thus allowing Kubicek to pick the wrong one almost every week while Merrill gets the 'nope, I'm not ready yet' zero from Foster each week.

Defending champion Strike Team is sitting comfortably in ninth place at the moment, but still in the playoff hunt at 4-5.  Aaron has also seen his share of disappointment with, for example, Tom Brady.  But at least he kept the faith in starting him in week 9, and thus was able to ride the wave past Kevin for the win.

Next up are the River Horses, who I had planned to mock for starting Jason Campbell last week until they damn near beat me with him.  I have no idea whether Pete drafted well, and neither does he, as more than half of his current roster consists of free agent pickups.  That's no way to build a team, Pete.  You need to draft talent and develop it on your own, like the Packers and Ravens (who maybe aren't such a good example right now, but --- moving on).

Once again this year, Nick and his confusingly-named Rock-n-it Datarocknators are showing that autodraft actually can get you a mildly competitive team.  Of course, it didn't work out for Kubicek, but I'm choosing to blame that on the fact that he actually showed up for the last half of the draft and drafted about half of his team himself.  If he had let autopilot take it all the way like Nick, I feel confident that Kubicek would be 4-4-1 as well.

It seems like every year, there's at least one team (Taylor) who scores a bunch of points yet somehow manages to have a crappy record.  That is surprisingly not the case this year, but the guy with the most to complain about in this department is Kevin, who sits in sixth place at 4-4-1 despite scoring the fourth-most points in the league.  So we all shrug our shoulders and say eh, so what, it's Kevin.  He does have the Stafford/Megatron combo, though and --- let's check quick --- yeah, I'm not playing him again, either, so go for it, Kevin.  Score a bunch more points, really knock it out of the park.  Just stay out of the playoffs.

This brings us to the Leviathans, just barely on the outside looking in if the playoffs started today --- the same place where they finished last season, as a matter of fact.  He should be able to do some damage in the final 5 games of the season, with AP and the combination of Kaepernick and Vernon Davis --- which would be a lot more potent if the 49ers hadn't suddenly remembered that they're a run-first team.  I also notice that ALMOST half of Levi's team are free agent acquisitions --- like father, like son, I guess.

Now we finally get to discuss the top four teams at the moment, starting with Taylor and his overachieving Air Apparent, who put up 109 points this past week.  That's probably a high for the season; I don't know, I'm too lazy to check.  Whatever the case may be, I'm getting really tired of finishing SECOND in points each week.  This is the FIFTH week this year that I've been second in overall points, thus missing out on the $15 weekly prize.  You guys are killing me!  Anyway, despite his strong showing this past week, Taylor is actually uncharacteristically LOW in scoring this year at only fifth overall.  Which, I guess, means that we should all be very afraid of him.

As for the third-place Ninjas, what can I say that hasn't already been said?  That's right; third in terms of record, third in overall points scored, no holes in the roster.  You've been warned.

The Screaming Eagles are currently second both by record and by total points scored, and would probably be rubbing elbows with Merrill and Kubicek right about now if it weren't for the mighty Peyton Manning.  Actually, the guy's got Alf Morris too, who might eventually get one or two goal line carries when Shanahan gets tired of giving them to guys he pulls off the street, plus a murderer's row of receivers in Marshall, VJax and Eric Decker.  So, um, please don't hurt me, Jason (yeah, but I've got Gronk AND Jordan Cameron for my tight ends, so nanny-nanny boo-boo!).

And last --- and probably least --- is Adam, sitting proudly atop the league with the only 7-2 record AND the most points scored on the season, despite his recent loss to the Leviathans.  It's actually kind of hard to figure out how Adam has done this well with players like Tony Romo (sure, he had one HUGE game, but has been very average otherwise), Ray Rice and Antonio Brown, but somehow he's made it work.

I would be very nervous if I were you, Adam.  You've been in this league long enough to know that success almost never lasts.  You may be lucky to finish the season 8-6.

And with that, let's begin the charge to the playoffs!  Los Diablos' season is over, of course, but everyone else still has a chance.  And lest we all forget, it most certainly IS possible to stage a run into the playoffs almost no matter how bad off you are.  Let's not forget the lesson of last year's little engine that could (sorry, Jody), when the Ninjas staged a mad, 9-win run to go from worst to first in the final game of the regular season!

(Before losing both playoff games and ending up with a crappy draft pick AND no money.  Like I said, success almost never lasts in this league.)

This is how I imagine Jason's face as he realized that the only member of his team to find the end zone last week was Manning. 30 points from your QB doesn't count for much when your rushing/receiving players only put up 15!

Poor Little Choo Choo ...

... off the rails already. Better luck next week!

Week 1 in Review

Note that the title is NOT 'Weak One in Review', because if it were, I would have to talk about Merrill the whole time.  Good Lord did his team suck swamp water last week.  They even underperformed Kubicek and his steaming pile of autodraft, which is pretty damn impressive.

Speaking of autodrafted teams, the Rock-n-it-Datanators actually beat Taylor last week, which goes to show that it's possible to win using autodraft, as long as the system doesn't draft THREE players for you who will miss at least half the season.  It also goes to show that Taylor's lucky streak (as in, his utterly failing to have any luck of any kind, ever) is still alive and well.

As for me, I consider it a moral victory that Jason hung 59 points on me Thursday night, and I still managed to close the gap to 36 by the end of the week.  I've had my one loss for the season --- and I essentially have a bye coming up this week against Merrill --- so it's pretty clear the Ninjas are going to be a force once again this year.

No Cheating!

Enough said.

Groovy

Most of you don't know this about me, but I earn my living as a software engineer. I write lovely programs which will tell you exactly how crazy you are, or programs which make your school photos look better.

So it's a bit of a surprise that it's taken me this long to apply my mad software skillz to fantasy football. But this year I have, writing a Groovy script to help me rank my players for the upcoming season. I figure that the outcome will either be a remarkable and decisive improvement in my draft, thus returning me to the TTFFL championship glory I so justly deserve, or a humiliating failure, leading to a last-place finish and my having to play 2014 with a team named something other than the Psychotic Ninjas.

Either way, it's time to get ready for 2013, peeps. And it is so on.

2012 Year in Review

I'm sitting here watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle, and trying to think of something clever to write for the year-end review.  I'm also mildly annoyed that this will be my first season in 6 years of playing fantasy that I don't at least break even financially (thank goodness for Adam and his BFL confidence league, or this year would have been a total bust), but I'm pretty sure the Broncos and Seahawks will come through for me big time in my playoff league.

And thanks to the new league rules which set next year's draft order based on this year's results, I'm already planning my strategy for next year.  How could anyone think this was a bad rule?

Anyway, our team-by-team review of the year starts with:

The Team Formerly Known as the Puttheads: The Non-Puttheads' season ended in a fitting fashion, not with a bang, but with a pathetic 28-point performance agains the defending champion Orion River Horses.  The first TTFFL Toilet Bowl (yes, that's what I'm calling the week 16 battle for last place until someone comes up with a better name) lived down to expectations, as it was the lowest-scoring game all year.  Jody's 28 tied for third-lowest score all season, and Pete's "winning" score of 35 was eighth-lowest.  And although Jody managed to cram the 5th-highest regular season point total into only four wins, it's fairly easy to see how he finished last.  With QB choices of the weak-armed Andy Dalton and the injured Michael Vick, the RB trio of Alex Green, Rashard Mendenhall and Shane Vereen behind his stud Arian Foster (who put up a spectacular -2 before leaving the game with an irregular heartbeat), and the stud TE Gronkowski sitting on his bench, Jody didn't stand a chance.

Let's all enjoy making Jody a punching bag for the next year, because I expect he'll bounce back in 2013.

The Orion River Horses: Usually 35 points doesn't win you anything in this league, but the River Horses' pitiful 35 point performance in the Toilet Bowl did win something for Pete: he gets to keep his team name.  Other than that, 2012 was pretty much wall-to-wall disappointment for our defending league champion.  After week 9 standing at 4-5, he actually had a shot, but then finished the season on a 5-game losing streak.  This despite having the #6 QB in the league in RGIII, who he managed to bench at crucial points in the season.  The fact that he managed to dodge the last-place boobie prize is the lone bright spot for a defending champ who finished the regular season with the lowest point total in the league.

Note to Aaron: Jody was the league champ in 2010, and Pete in 2011.  They're keeping a spot warm for you in the cellar for next year.

Suspended Atomnation: Rounding out the 4-10 teams who justly finished at the bottom of the league is Adam and his Suspended Atomnation, proud owner of two of the three lowest game scores all season.  This year's Suspended Atomnation team proved that there is something to the notion of karma, stinking it up for the first 10 weeks (with only a week 3 win over the arguably more pathetic River Horses)  before scoring wins in 4 of his next 5 games --- averaging 87.5 points in those wins --- after belatedly paying his league dues.  In fact, owners in other leagues may want to give Adam a kick in the head for karmically ruining the fantasy seasons of LeSean McCoy, BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Mikel LeShoure, Steven Jackson, Hakeem Nicks and Tony Romo through the first 11 weeks of the season.

But Adam's paid up through the start of 2014, so you should look out for Adam's Atoms next year!

Los Diablos: The lowest-seeded of an amazing 9 teams that finished the season at .500 or better, Kubicek and his Diablos pretty much learned that those who live by the stud QB die by the stud QB.  Aaron Rodgers had a good fantasy year, finishing 3rd overall in fantasy scoring for the season, but saved two of his best efforts for weeks 16 and 17, which were of no use to Los Diablos.  Particularly crushing were his 7-, 9- and 8-point totals in the final three weeks of the season, pushing Kubicek from playoff contender to top dog in the loser's bracket.

This is not to say that Rodgers' down weeks were Los Diablos' only problems.  He also came out on the wrong end of 2-point losses in high scoring games against Leviathans in week 4 and Screaming Eagles in week 7.  And then, of course, there was the ruthless 103-71 pounding Kubicek took from THE MIGHTY NINJAS in week 9!!!  Let's see, that's a last-place finish in 2011, and 9th-place in 2012.  You might make it as high as 6th next year, Kubicek!!!

Team Datanator: Was the most schizophrenic team in the league, running hot and cold in equal amounts and so quite understandably finishing 7-7.  I'm far too lazy to calculate the standard deviation in weekly scores for every team in the league (maybe some year I'll set up a calculator to do that for me --- the results could be fascinating!), but I think it's a good bet that Team Datanator had the highest one this year.  Just as likely to score 30 points as 80 in any given week, Nick's weekly point totals were as unpredictable as his drafting strategy or his starting lineup from one week to the next.  But actually, were it not for conveniently low-scoring opponents in weeks 7-9, Team Datanator would have been playing in the Toilet Bowl in week 16 instead of the River Horses.

With the fourth overall pick in the draft next year, maybe Team Datanator can make up for their biggest weakness in 2012 --- having to choose each week between Josh Freeman and Matt Cassel at quarterback.

Air Apparent: For the sixth year in a row (at least), Taylor demonstrates that scoring a lot of points isn't a requirement for winning a TTFFL title.  Taylor always scores a lot of points, and he never wins any titles.  I don't remember what Taylor might have done in the old pre-ESPN days, but somehow he always manages to be done for the year after week 14.  This year, it seems Taylor managed the feat by scoring practically all of his points in the first four weeks of the season.  It's hard to believe that a team with Matt Ryan, Stevan Ridley, C.J. Spiller, Megatron, Roddy White and Randall Cobb could finish out of the money, but Taylor does have a talent for doing a little with a lot.  Keep it up next year, big guy!

Golden Graham's: I think it's fair to say that, despite the 6th-place finish, this was Kevin's best year in the league.  He scored wins over Jody and The Evil One (though dropping the critical week 14 playoff qualifier to Merrill), he actually outscored the league in week 3, which I'm led to believe is the first time in the 123 years of the TTFFL that he's won a dime, he clawed his way to sole possession of first place after week 12 (right before he jinxed himself by bragging and dropping his final two games), and he'll get the #2 pick in the draft next year, which I believe is the highest draft pick he's ever had.

Kind of sad, really.  Kevin's season was fairly mediocre, and it's the best he's ever had.  Still, 6th place overall is pretty good for a team with Matt Schaub and Sam Bradford as its starting QBs.

The Leviathans: Levi drafted the top overall player in fantasy in 2012 (Drew Brees) and the #1 RB (Adrian Peterson), and still managed to finish 5th.  Like Kubicek, The Leviathans' season was largely dependent on their stud QB, eating critical losses in weeks 13 and 14 when Brees was less than brilliant, and was in fact downright awful.  Levi also suffered with an unreliable receiving corps (Jennings, Bowe) and unreliable supporting backfield behind AP, including the feast-and-mostly famine Jamaal Charles.

With the first overall pick next year, the only remaining question is whether Levi can get a better supporting cast for AP in 2013.  Maybe if he doesn't draft quite so many kickers.

The Psychotic Ninjas: Oh, the fantasy gods had a merry time with the Ninjas this year.  They did.  From the 0-4 oh-wait-stat-correction-I-mean 0-5 start, to their subsequent 9 game winning streak, to their absolutely hopeless pounding at the hands of Strike Team in the first round of the playoffs to the consolation game loss courtesy of the absolutely hopeless Arizona Cardinals coughing up not one but TWO defensive TDs to the Chicago Bears and, by extension, the Screaming Eagles, the Ninjas ultimately ended up in the second-crappiest position at the end of the season.  No money, but also a lousy draft pick heading into 2013.  The only silver lining is that the team will still be named the Psychotic Ninjas --- and the fact that we all know they can win no matter where they're drafting from.

But that semifinal playoff game --- damn.  I mean, Colin Kaepernick scored THREE TIMES as many points as the rest of the Ninjas starters combined.  If the rest of the Ninjas' starters had even managed to get a couple of points below their season average, they would have prevailed over Strike Team in spite of James Jones' best fantasy day ever, and then the Ninjas would have steamrolled the Marauders for their fourth league title.  But the fantasy gods made sure that never came close to happening.  I wonder what I did to upset them?

At any rate, I'm pretty sure I can play fantasy for the next 20 years and never see another 9-game winning streak.

The Screaming Eagles: The Eagles' season actually paralleled the Ninjas' fairly closely, expect that the Eagles did most of their winning early on (7-1 in their first 8 games), then enduring a 4-game losing streak before ringing up wins in weeks 13 and 14 to finish the season right behind the Ninjas.  It's appropriate that these two met in the consolation round.  While the Eagles muddled along with a fair-to-middlin' backfield (Eli, Shonn Greene, Ahmad Bradshaw), the Eagles real strength was in their receiving corps (Julio, Brandon Marshall, Demariyus Thomas).  Maybe the Eagles should declare themselves the new YAC Attack, since the name's available.

But real strength of the Eagles was in their defense --- or, more accurately, the Bears defense, which probably deserves credit for four of the Eagles' victories, including the consolation matchup with the Ninjas (Damn you, crappy Arizona Cardinals!  Damn you, Beanie Wells!).  Which just goes to prove the most basic truism of fantasy football: always draft a defense early.

Merrill's Marauders: The 2012 Marauders are an example of a team playing above their talent level (similar to the 2011 River Horses).  With only the 8th-most points in the league through 14 weeks, the Marauders were a mediocre 5-5 before putting on a burst to the finish line with a 4-game win streak to end the season, including what I'm sure was a very satisfying week 14 dismemberment of the Golden Graham's to end their playoff hopes.  As was the case with Los Diablos and the Leviathans, Merrill's season mostly hinged on the play of his QB, in this case Cam Newton, who appeared to be a bust early on, but then got it all together in the final weeks to help push Merrill almost all the way to the top.  Merrill's loss in the title game was partly due to the fact that his supporting case let him down (I think Darren McFadden is a pretty good candidate for bust of the year, no?), and partly due to the fact that Aaron's team came up big when it counted --- gee, it seems like I say that about our champion every year, doesn't it?

Which brings us to . . . .

Strike Team: Shortly before the trade deadline, I made Aaron a trade offer.  I was feeling like Tony Romo wouldn't get me the points I needed from QB, but I felt like I was loaded at RB, with Doug Martin, Fred Jackson, LeSean McCoy, Vick Ballard and about to pick Ronnie Hillman up off of waivers.  I looked at Aaron's pitiful backfield of Reggie Bush, Michael Bush and NO ONE ELSE (Willis McGahee had just gone on IR), and figured he might want to take two of my non-Martin RBs in exchange for Manning.

I later decided I didn't want to make that swap, and neither did Aaron.  I continued my winning streak and was glad to see Aaron make the playoffs, figuring he'd go nowhere with the nowhere backfield.  One less team I needed to worry about.

Oops.

Who could have predicted that Reggie Bush, averaging a bit more than 5 points per game going into the championship, would blow up for 23?  Who could have predicted that James freakin' Jones, who started the season barely ahead of the geriatric Donald Driver on the Packers' depth chart, would blow up for 21 points in the semifinal round, and 11 in the title game?  Other than Peyton, Wes Welker and Aaron Hernandez, who on Aaron's roster is someone you would expect to be on a championship team?  (And Hernandez put up a goose egg in the title game).

But, hey, that's fantasy.  And don't forget, Aaron: This year for the first time, as a bonus for your victory, you'll get to choose a name an avatar for Jody's team next year.  I'm guessing Kevin might have some suggestions for you if you need ideas.

So as we close the books on the 2012 TTFFL season, we once again salute Strike Team for their title, and vow to crush them beneath our heel in the 2013 season.  As we look ahead to July, when I start bugging everyone about starting up again, here's a reminder about next season's draft order:

1. The Leviathans
2. Golden Graham's
3. Air Apparent
4. Team Datanator
5. Los Diablos
6. Suspended Atomnation
7. Orion River Horses
8. ??? - (The Team Formerly Known as the Puttheads)
9. Psychotic Ninjas
10. Screaming Eagles
11. Merrill's Marauders
12. Strike Team

Happy New Year, everyone!